Thursday, December 13, 2012

#notreallyhappening

When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Hazel I started to have some minor complications and had to take a trip to the ER. The ultrasound tech asked me if I wanted a boy or girl. Before I could answer he blurted out "And don't say it doesn't matter, I just want a healthy baby. That's just a given." He was right, that was a given. It was so much a given I really didn't even think twice about it. So I blurted out "a girl." It's hard when your pregnant to tell everyone what gender you really want. You don't want them to think you are disappointed when you get the opposite. But, it was true. I wanted a girl and from then on I let everyone know that I wanted a girl. I  have an amazing little boy and I couldn't imagine going through life without having a daughter.

Fast forward to now and I'm looking backing thinking maybe I should have just said a healthy baby. Would that have changed things? Maybe things would be different if I didn't paint when I was pregnant, or carry those Christmas decorations up the stairs. Deep down I know none of these things are true. I did nothing to make Hazel unhealthy.  I know from the beginning of time this is who Hazel is suppose to be. I know I was chosen to be her mother and  I am going to have to help her be the strong, amazing woman I know she is going to be and she is going to make me the strong, amazing woman I have to be. But, right now,this is the beginning. I'm in denial, I'm a hot mess. I just want shut my door,hide in my room and cuddle her for the next 18 years. 


Hazel's Story:

Nate and I have noticed for the past couple of months that something was "off" with Hazel. Her shoulder was higher on her left side, she never turned her head to the left and seemed to have a curve in her spine. Our Pediatrician (at the time) assured us that we were being worried parents and everything was fine. Luckily, we decided to get a second opinion. Through an ultrasound and X-Ray we have discovered that Hazel has only one kidney, a deformity with her left scapula (sprengel's deformity), and lots of concerns with her spine.(scoliosis, fused vertebrae etc) We have also discovered through a test called a VCUG that Hazel's bladder is not anatomically correct and she has vesicoureteral reflux. Right now everything is still so unknown. But her Doctors are speculating that Hazel has a rare skeletal disorder called Klippel-Feil Syndrome. 
PS - Google does a much better job then me at explaining all this medical lingo.

We are currently in the process of getting a million tests done. It is awful, but I know these tests are going to help her. I'm so thankful for all the support from my friends and family. I'm hoping in the next few months her Doctors can pinpoint exactly what she has and what they can do to help her.  As for now, I'm forcing myself to open my door, come out of my room and be the parent I have to be for Lincoln and Hazel. But, I'm not pretending to be super mom. As soon as they go to bed and I'm going straight back to my room and shutting my door. Who am I kidding-I'm bringing a tub of ice cream with me. 



On our way to the Kidney Center at Children's Mercy. So lucky to have Katy helping us! 
 How cute are these baby gowns?!?






3 comments:

  1. You are an amazing Mom and God knew He should put Hazel with you. I am confident that you and Nate are the parents you're supposed to be, that Lincoln and Hazel will be the blessings God is pouring out over you. Trials and struggle will surely come, but faith and hope will give you strength and comfort! May God continue to bless the Dean family!

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  2. I love how real you are. God speed with you and your family and especially your precious babies. you are in our thoughts and prayers!

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  3. I too have Sprengel's Deformity and never had the operation. I went every year to have "things" checked at the University of Michigan Hospital until I was 12 or 13.

    I am a 33 years old woman with the deformity on my left shoulder. I was NEVER teased in school because of my deformity. I am a college graduate with a good job. No one even realizes I have this deformity (long hair helps too) and I am engaged to be married in December!

    Your little girl is going to be ok too. Do exercises with her, get her involved in dance classes keep it and her active and most importantly - as hard as it is - treat her like a normal kiddo.

    God bless!

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